Genetics is a joke; Building own circle of love

    I grew up as a background character in my own story. Maybe you have felt like that too. 

     I have five siblings. Two older sisters, one older brother, one little brother, and one little sister. I share the middle spot with my older brother, and that’s probably why we are so much alike.

     One thing I learned from him is to do things for yourself. He was always the one I would see with friends, listening to music, and going places that made him happy. 

     I realized he did these things because he felt the same as me—damaged and unwanted.

     Growing up in a big family can be a blessing in so many ways, and I wish that is what it was for me. 

     I remember a few weeks ago I was watching old videos of me and all my siblings from when we were younger. I was barely noticed by anyone, trampled over by all of them. 

     We would be playing superheros, and they’d tell me there weren’t enough heros for me. We would be taking turns on the swings, but I didn’t deserve a turn. I couldn’t look over my sister’s shoulder or she’d yell at me. 

     I could go on and on, but really, what I saw in the videos is only a fraction of what I was actually feeling behind closed doors. 

     I was not young enough to be the favorite or the cutest like my little siblings, and I also wasn’t old enough to be super cool like my older siblings.  I know it is normal to feel rejected when their siblings come along, but having this drowning feeling going on for years is not okay. 

  I felt unwanted most of the time. 

     But that feeling of being unwanted has two paths:  The first is building a lack of trust and mental health issues.  The second result is healing.

     Taking the time to heal.

Part of that process growing involved finding people to fill the void my family couldn’t fill.

      Family does not have to be blood. To me it is a feeling, a feeling of comfort, love, happiness, something you would want around all the time. 

     My family is made up of my friends- my friends and I basically live together every weekend. We tell eachother everything, we care for each other as if we are family. Some things me ad y friends do that makes me happy are watching stupid shows together like Is it Cake, or listening to music on our way to Dunkin. and believe it or not,

     I even count Taylor Swift and Lil Peep as my family, siblings in fact. I have been listening to Taylor Swift ever since I can remember-  car rides to the park or playing in my room,Taylor was playing. Taylor has been in my life constantly as I was growing up, ALWAYS there unlike people I expected to be. 

     Lil Peep was my brother and he deserved better just like I did. His music improved my quality of life, made me feel good. He helped me understand my world. And writer Colleen Hoover is practically my mom at this point. She is successful with her passions, somebody I can easily look up to. Colleen Hoover’s writing distracts me from the real world when I need to be distracted. 

     If a writer can be my mom then Evan Peters will be my boyfriend. Evan Peters is someone I see work hard, but still respects himself, exactly who I want to be. Not to mention him being sexy, he is also not recognized for who he is nearly enough, just like me.   

     These things fill the gap in my life. They bring me happiness, comfort.

     There is no need to sulk over not being close with people you feel like you should be hip to hip with. If they make you feel unwanted, why give them the energy you could give to other people or things that will give you the same energy back.  

     You missed the first 18 years of my life, it is up to you to step into the next 50. The door is open, it always has been, but I refuse to keep it open forever. I will not let people walk in and out of my life when it is convenient for them. 

     So the question is, are you going to continue sitting on the sidelines or will you find a way to repair the damage.  

     The choice is yours.