Tired of being tired; Self-forgiveness and moving forward

Paige Webster, Reporter

 Starting this off by saying I highly doubt anyone would care about this, but in the off chance they do I’m exposing myself here so be kind! I’m not going to even try to sound profound, or enlightened or impressive because honestly, I’m tired. In every sense of the word, in every connotation you can imagine.

      Writing a reflection on my past 4 years of high school yields sad, miserable memories of loneliness and empty days that bleed into the next. At the time it did not bother me in the slightest, but I soon came to realize that an accumulation of preventative habits pushed upon me could have spared me the struggle and heartache I go through now.

      Somewhere along the way I became spiteful. Knowing I had no reasonable right to express this I instead turned that spitefulness and frustration towards myself. Comparing every aspect of myself to people around me that only validated my feeling of unconditional inferiority. In each and every moment or conversation all I can notice is how I am never able to relate to anything people do or say.

      Such a mundane existence quickly led to being acutely aware of the only thing I did know. Myself. Only leading further down the rabbit hole of overthinking it eventually festered into seemingly unfounded self-hatred. It caused me to isolate even more, effectively dismantling any remnants of communication skills I had left.

      I’m tired of my hot-cold personality, I hate that I get loud when happy, hate how I can’t just do my work, tired of having to choose between mental stability and school, tired of always forgetting things, of embarrassing myself when trying to “fit in” or “be normal”, tired of my outward appearance. I am so tired of my identities determining my worth.

      I’m exhausted. But I’m also tired of being sad. I still hold most of these criticisms of myself but can somewhat discern the difference between constructive criticism and involuntary, self-inflicted insults.

      I still don’t accept myself; I admit that. I can tell that it won’t happen for a long time to come and that’s fine. I’m not ready for that, but for the time being I can try and forgive myself. I need to see the difference in my past selves and now and try to recognize or understand that it’s ok. I was younger, I didn’t understand then, but I am better for it.

      It sounds like an absolute eye-roller just saying it out loud, but it is true. This year I hit rock bottom; or at least as rock bottom as an 18 year old can get. I almost didn’t graduate because I gave up on myself. Applying to colleges in November, reflecting on all my mistakes and every single aspect of 2020 broke me. TW, but I almost didn’t make it and it scares me to know how close I came to the edge.

      If you were looking for a sappy life lesson, here you go: forgive yourself and your past selves first. You don’t have to thank them, but try to accept that, for better or worse, you’re still here now because of who you were before. I hit my lowest of lows this year and all I can say is to please forgive yourself now. It is so much easier to mend cracks than it is to piece together shattered fragments.